If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 Money can't buy happiness; but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 Always remember to pillage before you burn.

 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

 It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

 If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.

 The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

 Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

 Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

 The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

 If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.

 One seventh of life is spent on Monday.

 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 This is as bad as it can get - but don't bet on it.

 Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.

 The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.

 Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.

 We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

 If only the good die young, then what does say about senior citizens ?

 Employ teenagers - while they know everything.

 The best antiques are old friends.

 Down with gravity !

 Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody....

 People who eat natural food die from natural causes.

 Why is there only one Monopolies Commission ?

 Someday my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

 Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, then it really doesn't matter.

 A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.

 When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

 An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

 If you can't be kind, be vague.

 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

 Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

 Montana - at least our cows are sane.

 Your kid may be an honour student, but your're still an idiot.

 It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

 Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

 It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

 Forget about world peace, visualize using your turn signal.

 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

 Make it idiot proof and somebody will make a better idiot.

 He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

 Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

 I souport publick edekasion

 Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

 Three kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't.

 Why is abbreviation such a long word ?

 Ever stop to think and fogot to start again ?

 Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggy" until you can find a rock.

 I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

 I'm a corporate executive. I keep things from happening.

 Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.

 The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

 He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.

 Intel - still number 0.999873464508

 "Bother," said Pooh, as he found a politician in his honey.

 Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have sharp objects.

 Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.

 I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.

 Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."

 "Bother," said Pooh, as he called in an air strike.

 It's a SMALL war, can I have it?

 Ambidextrous: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.

 Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

 1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman.

 If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!

 Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.

 This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.

 People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.

 I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.

 Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about.

 The proverbial proprietor provides practical proverbs.

 If it's not violent, what fun is it?

 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 In DoubleSpace, no one can hear your data scream.

 A single fact can ruin a good argument.

 Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again.

 Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.

 Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!

 Please reply if you don't get this message.

 This product sadistically tested on gerbils.

 All stressed out and no one to choke.

 "Bummer," said Pooh when Tigger dropped the joint in the honey jar.

 The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.

 Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

 Next from Intel: the Repentium.

 I did NOT escape.... they gave me a day pass.

 I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.

 "Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape.

 If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles.

 G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.

 Cat bathing is a martial art.

 I'm not so much human as cat furniture.

 Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.

 Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.

 I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific.

 (c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

 Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today.

 Mars needs women - no experience necessary!

 "Bother," said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats.

 Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.

 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.

 Circular definition: see definition, circular.

 I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!